All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
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Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
So inspired right now.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
it must be school picture day