I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
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calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.