Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
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Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face