When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
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cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Am I having a stroke?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.