Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me