COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
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[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Sharon, call the vet
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
When they try to steal your moment.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.