me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
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“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.