If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
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Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Oh. My. God.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.