Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
me working on my assignments ^-^