John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
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In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya