H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
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*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Important
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.