4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Before crowbars crows drank alone
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it