Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
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Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
best review i’ve ever seen
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.