The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
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If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.