In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
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in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Mouse
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”