Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
You Might Also Like
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.