I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
We need to put an American base on the sun
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.