When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
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ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Single and childfree like Jesus
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I unironically love this joke.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family