Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
You Might Also Like
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
And now we wait
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.