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Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
The Others (2001)
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”