*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
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Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.