me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
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Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
mom gave me mine for free
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Duolingo getting serious.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.