Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
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“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
these two trucks have the same bed length
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.