When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Coffee is ready.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively