Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
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Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.