Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
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Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
a badder mouse
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
A great tip. #CakeRex
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Word!
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket