i love meeting boys on tinder
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Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Follow me for more life hacks.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.