1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
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*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.