“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
You Might Also Like
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
same vibe as tangled headphones
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Best spot.. 😅
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july