I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
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Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: β¦
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Iβm forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes iβm here for the fish tube job
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, Iβm happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
My kid told me an βold dead girlβ lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz Iβm never going in there again.
I hate when thereβs a knock on your door and you open the door and itβs someone.
PROFESSORR: So, Attillaβs rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: Iβll go straight to sleep if youβll just stop.
Itβs weird how the UFOβs always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didnβt have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case youβre looking for an IT guy.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I donβt know what he wants from me but whatever it is heβs going to get it
i love diet soda i donβt care if it gave rats tumours iβm way bigger and stronger than a rat
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”