If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
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“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”