Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
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Which wines pair best with gloating?
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Worth the read.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome