Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
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5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.