Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
When your man makes a valid point
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group