Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
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I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
oh u like history? name everything that happened