Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
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People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.