me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
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Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.