I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
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for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.