I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
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Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent