Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
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The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now