ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
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My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”