[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
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Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.