I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
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Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.