I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
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My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…