Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
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It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
HBO
HBO GO
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HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
These aliens are taking forever.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.