My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
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Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
A new level of troll.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.