I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
You Might Also Like
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”