Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
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I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing