[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
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Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”