“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
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The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West